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No matter how happy you feel you are, if there is just one part, a teeny tiny part inside you which is hurting or missing in you in any way, this one part will never ever let you forget it.
No matter how happy you feel, as soon as you realize this part, all joy and happiness just fades away and all you feel is this little part of you that lack does not allow you to be completely happy.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Demi Lovato - In case
21 April 2013 @ 09:49 pm
I miss Klaine so much.
I want them back-
sweet and in love.
They are soulmates.
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Klaine version - Come what may
28 February 2013 @ 08:43 pm
I have had some headaches lately. Always when the air pressure is going down. It feels shitty. But coffee helps sometimes.
I've had also heartaches. And this time not because of the heartbreaking feelings but the real heartache. Because of the lack of magnesium. Cause out of my stupidity I decided to quit magnesium in pills-cause pills were huge and I hated to take them and I just thought I could not take them anymore. I was wrong. My heart showed me this about a week later waking me at night with a killing pain in my chest.
I hate those pills. 7 pills per day. But I have to take them cause without them it is pain. And I don't want to be in pain. So there is no other choice.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Tyler Swift & Gary Lightbody - The last time
02 January 2013 @ 08:13 pm
When I was younger-a teenager! (which seems now like ages ago) I always made a  resume for the end of the year. I went through my diary and remembered the most important events from the year. And then made a resolution for a new year.
I haven't done it for so long. Because my last diary post was from march, because I never did my resolutions, because I believed the best was yet to come. I was sto stupid, wasn't I?

I want new year to be better. Cause 2012 was sad. And I don't want to be sad anymore. I want to say I want to be happy, but I know I won't so I want to be healthy. And for me-to be healthy I have to be calm-this means that all the stress&bad emotions&nervousness has to be minimalized. This is all what I want.

Sometimes I miss this young Natalia with those big dreams and open heart but it never works out to be a dreamer, right?
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Mercy Mercedes - The perfect scene
30 October 2012 @ 07:27 pm
30th of October. It amazes me the weather of this day every year. Because every year today the weather is so wonderful. A Polish real gold autumn-how they call. Today was the same. Although last few days were totally wintery, there was snow and freez and cold and fog. But today, today was chilly but it was pleasant and sun was shining all day and snow was melting. And it was very beautiful.
Exactly how it was 7 years ago. When you left us. It was such a beautiful day too. Sun was shining and I remember I brought flowers for my grandpa's grave and then I saw my mom's face and I knew it. I knew you were gone...
It's been 7 years Dad, 7 years without you. You have no idea how much we have missed you, how much we have needed you every day that went. I hope you are in peace and that you are proud of who I have become. That you're proud you have a daughter like me... I really hope.
Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: The Script - If you could see me now
22 October 2012 @ 12:02 pm
I'm pathetic. Have always been though. And so tired. Of everything...
02 October 2012 @ 09:27 pm
Tuesday evening so it is over. My doctor's appointment I mean. It turned out that this nurse who told my results were pretty bad was an intern. A 40 years old intern who had no idea yet about reading results. Her job was only taking calls and registering people. So well.
The doctor said they were all fine, there were some problems with leukocytosis (as always ughhhhh) but in general I was okay. She treated me again (with my bra off of course haha) and then did EKG and it was better than the last one so this means that pills are working.
She gave me a prescription for this leukocytosis though. To make it better. And it was it. Later it turned out that it was folic acid and iron-for pregnants!! (but Angie said nails are better after it so).
My brother picked me up from the clinic cause my mom had freaked out pretty bad about it, so had my grandma. He took my bag from me-as if I was literally dying or something and then went "Damn it, what is it? It weights a ton!" I laughed. He opened it and pulled out a.. chestnut. And laughed as well. At home I threw everything on my bed. There were 3 chestnuts, office keys, umbrella, box of piles, calendar, teddybear pensil-case, sunglasses, nylon socks, pendrive, comb, headband, 3 hair bands, wallet, tampons, free cd, earphones, gums, powder, pocket mirror, nivea cream, hand cream, lipgloss, tissues and nailfile.
Totally not a ton.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Mumford & Sons -Ghost that we knew
28 September 2012 @ 08:26 am
They had lost my blood results. So after 3 days I shopwed up in my clinic to pick them up and nurse apologized me even though she had nothing to do with that. I took the envelope and opened it. "I don't get it anyway" I mumbled to myself watching number on the paper in my hand. "May I have a look?" she asked looking at me. I handed her the paper and she checked then immediately looked at me and asked when was my appointment with the doctor. I said I was going to call in the middle of october as we had agreed last time. She shooked her head and said: "These results are NOT SO WONDERFUL, none is normal. And you're so young. Maybe I'll set up you an appointment next week? Tuesday? But of course I am not trying to scare you."
Of course not.
So yeah, tuesday.
Well, I suck so my body does too.
Current Mood: worriedworried
16 September 2012 @ 01:33 pm
It was not that I didn't know. I did. I have known from the start. But I haven't talked about it in a while. In that way.  Because he knew. He knew everything. He was from the begining. But unfortunately, he's not here anymore. Now it is her.
And she had to get to know to understand. She had questions. Tons of them. And I was telling. Everything. And she was listening. She really was, you know. And she seemed to really care. Then she examined me very well, listened me for some time, said to take my bra off (!) to have better acces to listening, studied my EKG so closely. And said it out loud. Which I knew of course. But hearing it wasn't nice. She gave me new pills, referrals to run new tests AGAIN, a special diary to write down my pressure twice a day. She laso said that maybe there will be an operation needed. At a word operation I stopped listening. I always refuse thinking about it. Cause well, operation... I hate hospitals like hell.
And she said to take care of myself. "You're so young and your heart is so weak.." She literally seemed worried.
bBt like I haven't changed anything yet... I have. My diet, lifestyle... Better give me pills which turn off the feelings. Which make me stop caring. That is what I need. Not another heart pills.
Current Mood: tiredtired
04 September 2012 @ 11:02 pm
I've not been very well lately. Because of work. Of work I was so happy about when I started it.
And now... Now I can say that I hate it. My boss has been awful to me and well, I would understand it, if I were doing nothing but shit, but no. I try, I do everything he asks me to checking it double. But I'm only a human, I do make mistakes... But everyone does, right?
I don't know... But I'm bad. Holding tears all way home hiding tear eyes behind the sunglasses-thanks september for the sun. And then breaking down in the bathroom taking a shower a minute after entering an apartament cause you can't see if you are crying then...

I'm weak. Sooo weak. The stupidest weaker. Ever.
Current Mood: exhaustedexhausted
Current Music: The Script - 6 degrees of separation